Tuesday, April 10, 2007
"To-do" list for Adam Jones
"Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam 'Pacman' Jones was suspended without pay for the entire 2007 NFL season Tuesday by Commissioner Roger Goodell," the Nashville City Paper reports.
Here's what I think Adam Jones - I refuse to refer to him by anything but his Christian name because "Pacman" is, without a doubt, the dumbest nickname in professional sports history - should do during his time off:
1) Study the Beat writers and wear out a copy of John Coltrane's A Love Supreme -- since he can now spend A LOT of time in jazz clubs.
2) Take a speech/diction class. I'm sure I'm not the only one who cannot understand a single f'in' thing that comes out of his mouth.
3) Join a fantasy baseball league and be a cutthroat competitor (hell, join two or three fantasy baseball leagues) -- it's hard for a feller to get into trouble when he's sitting behind a computer all day.
4) Start chewing tobacco. Mr. Jones like to expectorate; thus, he might be able to launch a second career on the tobacco juice-spitting contest circuit.
5) Learn how to play the guitar or mandolin (or get a 5-gallon bucket and some drum sticks). Broadway/2nd Avenue street musicians can make twenty or thirty bucks a night!
6) Take up gardening. He can use this skill to get extra "in the yard" time if and when he ends up in the hoosegow.
7) Take karate or a self-defense class -- see number 6.
8) Find a big-legged (or small-legged) woman to come home to. Women tend to notice, and take appropriate action, when the men in their lives aren't going to work and aren't bringing home paychecks.
9) Enroll in Financial Peace University. I have a feeling Dave Ramsey would caution against spending sprees in Las Vegas strip clubs.
10) Catch Fang Fever -- at least ONE Nashville professional sports franchise is going to the playoffs this year!
Here's what I think Adam Jones - I refuse to refer to him by anything but his Christian name because "Pacman" is, without a doubt, the dumbest nickname in professional sports history - should do during his time off:
1) Study the Beat writers and wear out a copy of John Coltrane's A Love Supreme -- since he can now spend A LOT of time in jazz clubs.
2) Take a speech/diction class. I'm sure I'm not the only one who cannot understand a single f'in' thing that comes out of his mouth.
3) Join a fantasy baseball league and be a cutthroat competitor (hell, join two or three fantasy baseball leagues) -- it's hard for a feller to get into trouble when he's sitting behind a computer all day.
4) Start chewing tobacco. Mr. Jones like to expectorate; thus, he might be able to launch a second career on the tobacco juice-spitting contest circuit.
5) Learn how to play the guitar or mandolin (or get a 5-gallon bucket and some drum sticks). Broadway/2nd Avenue street musicians can make twenty or thirty bucks a night!
6) Take up gardening. He can use this skill to get extra "in the yard" time if and when he ends up in the hoosegow.
7) Take karate or a self-defense class -- see number 6.
8) Find a big-legged (or small-legged) woman to come home to. Women tend to notice, and take appropriate action, when the men in their lives aren't going to work and aren't bringing home paychecks.
9) Enroll in Financial Peace University. I have a feeling Dave Ramsey would caution against spending sprees in Las Vegas strip clubs.
10) Catch Fang Fever -- at least ONE Nashville professional sports franchise is going to the playoffs this year!
# posted by Joltin' Django @ Tuesday, April 10, 2007 
