The Nigh Seen Creeder

When it comes to this election year's crop of mayoral candidates, it's slim pickings for liberty-lovin' conservatives like moi.  To be honest, it's slim pickings every election year. I cannot understand why a city the size of Nashville, with a vibrant business community and important educational institutions, churns out unaccomplished Democratic politicos and first-class nitwits each and every time an election rolls around.

When will Nashvillians have the opportunity to vote for a truly visionary mayor?  Where's Nashville's Rudy Giuliani, who promised to get über-tough on crime ... and did?  Where's Nashville's Brent Schundler or Stephen Goldsmith, who promised to take on liberal advocacy groups and public sector unions to push for education reform and privatization of public services ... and did?

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I, Joltin' Django, won't be votin' for none of the you-know-whats who're runnin' for mayor. Let me tell you why:
 
David Briley - I refuse to vote for a candidate whose base voters, if you will, are Bongo Java hairheads and East Nashville hipster doofi.  'Nough said.
 
Buck Dozier - When I was in high school, I had to endure a "sex education" lecture delivered by one Buck Dozier.  I cannot look at the man without thinking about his spiel on the importance of foreplay: "Boys, don't rape your wives."  Do I want that memory to return each and every time I see Mayor Buck's round face on the nightly news?  Heavens, no!
 
Bob Clement - When Clement was running for re-election to the U.S. Congress in 1992, he ran a television ad in which he made this statement:  "Government cannot be all things to all people.  What government can do is create jobs."  WTF?!  Anyone who's that ignorant 'bout basic economic principles has no business sitting in the mayor's office in any major metropolitan city.

Karl Dean - Dean Term One would in actuality be Purcell Term Three.  That is, Dean is an almost exact clone of Bill Purcell.  To say that Mayor Purcell has been a mediocrity is an understatement.  His major accomplishment(s)?  Dozens of unnecessary sidewalks and a not-so-subtle attempt to run the Nashville Sounds out of town.  I, for one, have had enough liberal Yankee mayors to last me a lifetime.

Howard Gentry - If I were going to hold my nose and simply vote for "anyone," I'd probably vote for Gentry.  He's a dedicated public servant and a nice enough guy, but he has neither the business savvy nor the vision to run a big city with big-city problems.

Kenneth Eaton - I'd vote for Bill Boner before I'd vote for Mr. Eaton.
 
Since I'm not voting for any of the announced candidates for mayor, for whom will I vote?  I'm seriously considering writing-in Adam Dread for mayor.  Hell, he's the only politician who's done anything bold and inspiring during this year's election.
 
As for the rest of the 2007 ballot, I ain't votin' for none of these folks (this is not an exhaustive list, by any means):

Vice Mayor

Carolyn Baldwin Tucker - Have you heard the "Car-O-lyn Beeeee Tucker" radio ad? Jesus, it's the most embarrassing political ad since Steve Cohen's "Get Goin' with Cohen" ads during the 1994 Democratic primary for governor. I just don't think Ms. Tucker has a lot goin' on upstairs, if you know what I mean.

Diane Neighbors - I could say something truly tacky about Ms. Neighbors, but I shall refrain. I'll simply say this: Neighbors was endorsed by the Tennessean, and that's reason enough not to vote for her.
 
Council-at-Large

Ronnie Steine - Steine has a pair the size of basketballs to think that he deserves another term on the Metro Council. Anyone who's read his interview with the Nashville Scene knows that the man has been less than forthcoming about his shopliftin'/thievin' past. Do I want a closet kleptomaniac representing the entire county in the Metro Council? HELL no.
 
Megan Barry - If Barry's only half as left-wing as her husband, she's way too left-wing for me.  If'n Ms. Berry is elected to the Metro Council, it'll just be a matter of time before she goes all nutbucket and introduces a resolution to impeach the president or legislation to make Nashville a "sanctuary city" for illegal aliens.  Mark my words ...
 
Saletta Holloway - Holloway was my councilwoman for eight years.  I reckon I've had at least a couple-dozen conversations with the woman over the years, and I long ago came to this conclusion: Saletta Holloway is a fool.  Anyone who witnessed her rambling, incoherent speechifying during television coverage of the Metro Council's proceedings would have to agree.
 
Dave Pelton - I was all prepared to vote for Mr. Pelton -- a self-identified Republican.  Then he got himself endorsed by the Metro Nashville Education Association and it got me to thinkin':  What did Pelton say on the MNEA's candidate questionnaire to receive their endorsement? I'll bet he didn't vow to support charter schools, school choice, tenure reform, or alternative certification, that's for sure. When it comes to the MNEA and elections, I have a simple policy:  Take the list of MNEA endorsements into the voting booth and vote agin' each and every one of their candidates.
 
Richard Exton - Exton's yard signs are prominently displayed in front of the Teamster's HQ on Antioch Pike.  Strikes one, two, AND three.  Exton's out.

Jerry Maynard - Maynard says the best way to deal with illegal immigrants in this city is to show "tolerance." Yeah, that'll work! Anyone who spouts leftist claptrap with that much ease isn't worthy of being elected dogcatcher, let alone councilman-at-large.
 
Tim Garrett - Tim Garrett carried water for Speaker Jimmy Naifeh when he was serving in the State House of Representatives.  Yeah, I know, that has nothing to do with what happens in the Metro Council.  I just cannot - will not - bring myself to vote for anyone, for anything, who sniffed Naifeh's throne.

Charlie Tygard - On his "official" campaign Web site, Tygard says he wants to "invest in programs that ... keep Nashville healthy." What the hell does that mean?! Is Tygard trying to say that he wants to create programs to force the citizens of Nashville to jog and eat their vegetables? God help us all.

Jerry Summers - Summers is on record as saying that he wishes to "increase funding to improve" Metro Schools. Anyone who thinks that Nashville's public schools are suffering from a lack of funding doesn't know a certain part of his or her anatomy from a hole in the ground. If Summers wanted to make a substantive promise vis-à-vis education, he'd promise to run the MNEA out of town.