Friday, October 03, 2008
"We'll kick your ass ..."
If you are a regular Creeder Reader, you're well aquainted with the anonymous pissant who dumps on Southerners and the South about every other day. This is for him (thanks Brock):
We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, O'Connor, Williams, Faulkner). We have betters manners and are generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., FedEx, Home Depot, Coca-Cola, Ryder, Hospital Corp. of America). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Jimmy Carter, John Edwards, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. In the South it's called "Coke." Nobody gives a flying damn whether you're drinking a Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, we'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here -- or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio or Upstate New York. Just eat your biscuits like God intended. Oh, and don't put sugar on your grits or fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Baltimore, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have ever caught fire. Whine about our scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us would like to live in the country? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.
Y'all have a nice day!
We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, O'Connor, Williams, Faulkner). We have betters manners and are generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g., FedEx, Home Depot, Coca-Cola, Ryder, Hospital Corp. of America). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Jimmy Carter, John Edwards, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. In the South it's called "Coke." Nobody gives a flying damn whether you're drinking a Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, we'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here -- or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio or Upstate New York. Just eat your biscuits like God intended. Oh, and don't put sugar on your grits or fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Baltimore, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have ever caught fire. Whine about our scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us would like to live in the country? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.
Y'all have a nice day!
# posted by Joltin' Django @ Friday, October 03, 2008 
